


Almost

by awalkingdenial



Series: Joshler 5+1 [1]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, I'm a trashcan, M/M, Undetermined time and places
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-18
Updated: 2017-01-18
Packaged: 2018-09-18 11:06:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9381752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awalkingdenial/pseuds/awalkingdenial
Summary: Five times Tyler almost told Josh he loved him and the one time Josh told him.





	

**Author's Note:**

> The song's Creep by Radiohead, and everyone knows the poem I quoted, come on. It's Pablo Neruda.  
> This is my first fanfic ever in English. I hope it's bearable.

 

 

 

_“_ _[..]_ _so I love you because I know no other way_

 

_than this: where I does not exist, nor you,_

_so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,_

_so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.”_

 

 

 

**1.**

 

 

Tyler’s throat aches but he keeps talking. In the dark he can still catch a glimpse of a scruffy haired head, that he knows is a shocking mixture of pink and deep orange, leaning down from the upper bunk. He would like to let his finger through it but those shots of tequila he had before have made his arm so heavy it isn't obeying his brain’s command. The only light thing is his mouth, that’s been praising Taco Bell for something like, what, an hour? Two hours? More? What was he talking about before tacos? Tyler can’t remember.

 

“So. I’d call the album, er, Taco Bell at best, yeah.”

 

Josh lets out a tired snort. “That sounds unappealing.”

 

“What did you just say, Joshua?”

 

“Sorry. Let me rephrase. That would sound unappealing to anyone but you.” 

 

Tyler frowns. Can Josh see him in the dark? He has to know he’s frowning. Lights should be on. He wants to look at Josh so bad. “You’re only making it worse.” There’s a pause. “Josh?”

 

Josh lifts his head a bit. “Yeah?” and then “no. I can’t— you gotta stop saying that. It’s not even funny anymore. Even when you’re drunk… Oh, just say it so we’re done.”

 

Tyler’s chest tightens at Josh understanding him just through his tone. Josh is so perfect. “You’re out of the band.”

 

His pretty, very pretty best friend lets out a sigh. “Guess I don’t have to listen to you anymore then.” 

 

The shadow of his head disappears. Tyler hears him slightly moan and somewhere in the back of his skull he feels guilt sting, because Josh’s neck must hurt as hell. Selfishly, he’s still glad Josh stayed awake with him anyway.

 

Then he frowns. “It’s not like you _had to_ listen to me.”

 

There’s a pause where Tyler can hear his own breath slow down. He’s so sleepy now that Josh’s figure is gone from his sight.

 

“I know I didn’t have to, dumbass. I _wanted_ to.”

 

Tyler’s heart beats almost to hurt in his chest. His eyelids fall like a curtain just after he manages to mutter “thank you, Joshie”. 

 

I love you, he wants to say too. He can’t. He drifts into sleep with Josh’s laugh in his ears. 

 

It’s the best lullaby Tyler can think of.

 

 

**2.**

 

 

Tyler feels good. He’s opening the box of donuts he bought on the way back to the hotel where they are staying for the night.

 

He’s in Josh’s room. No big deal, he was given the keys. Josh isn’t in the bedroom, but that’s not a big deal either. He’s showering. No big deal. Maybe. It’s not like Josh hasn’t been showering with Tyler around before, he’s used to it. He just tries not to focus on what’s happening a wall further, drops of hot water wandering on Josh’s skin in places where Tyler’s lips and tongue and hands would have gladly replaced them, pale and ink colored skin shining under—

 

“Dude.”

 

Tyler suddenly realizes his eyes are closed and he’s biting his lip. “Uhm?”

 

Josh is barely keeping a straight face. 

 

Tyler can just keep a gay one because Josh came out of the bathroom in his boxers, still wet, and that is nothing new and everything hot.

 

“What was it you were thinking that almost made you come in your pants?” he goes for his clothes.

 

“This donut is just so good.”

 

Josh raises an eyebrow. “You haven’t even tried it yet.”

 

Tyler looks at the untouched donut in the open box. He looks back at Josh. “I was imagining how good it would taste. It’s poetic. I’m a poet” he shrugs. “Drummers don’t get it” he finishes, finally taking a bite.

 

Josh snorts, shakes his head and then bends to wear his jeans.

 

Tyler really tries not to look, maybe not that hard, but he does try, he swears to himself. He feels sorry when his eyes glue to Josh’s ass and how it stretches in those tight jeans. 

 

If he keeps looking his are gonna be tight soon, too. 

 

“Well, I’m a drummer and I always get it.”

 

Tyler doesn’t know if he’s just unable to eat properly or if his brain is playing games with him, because he’s choking now. He feels his face heat and go full red, and, wow, is this donut jealous of his attention?

 

Tyler feels a hand patting his back. “Hey, Ty? Look up and try to breath.”

 

He raises a hand to say he’s okay and does as told. He still can’t stop coughing. 

 

Josh’s hand slips on his lower back. “Don’t you die on me.”

 

Tyler is still trying to catch his breath. “I die just like I want to” he means to sound serious, but his voice is barely a whisper.

 

Josh laughs, relieved at Tyler’s intact sense of humor, and takes the donut from his hands. 

 

“Hey! It’s mine!”

 

Josh looks at it thoughtfully and then grins as he sits on his bed. He licks all the surface of it and Tyler might get hard instantly. His friend is still shirtless and apparently isn’t gonna let him live anytime soon. 

 

“Get it back?” he dares.

 

“You think the fact you licked it will stop me?”

 

“Well, yeah.”

 

Tyler walks to Josh, leans down, grips Josh’s wrist. “It didn’t stop you from taking the sucker in your mouth that one time” he winks, and takes the slowest, biggest bite he’s ever given in his whole life.

 

Josh is staring at him right in the eyes. Tyler stays still; he would give an arm to know what Josh’s thinking. Then Joshua smiles and giggles, and Tyler’s brain melts.

 

“I love sharing donuts with my friends, anyway” he says taking a bite himself.

 

Tyler loves him. “Joshie?”

 

“Mh?”

 

“Nevermind. I forgot.”

 

 

**3.**

 

 

Tyler takes a sit next to Josh on the couch. “What you doing?” he asks, tilting his head.

 

“Just reading some tweets. Our fans are so funny.” His thumb goes up on the screen of his phone. His smile is nice.

 

It wouldn’t be weird if Tyler kissed him on the cheek, right? Just a peck. 

 

He’s leaning in when Josh starts to blush furiously. “Dude, am I making you uncomfortable?”

 

Josh gulps and the turns his head to Tyler. “Uh?”

 

Tyler forces himself not to look down at Josh’s lips. “Are you okay?”

 

Josh nods. “Just read this,” and handles him his phone.

 

So he reads. “I’d gladly die licking Josh’s sweat from his skin after a drumming session. How is he even real.” 

 

Oh. Well, less drastically, but same.

 

Josh face-palms. “Man, did you really have to read that aloud?”

 

“Come on, it’s just a nice comment on your looks.” Tyler blocks the phone and leaves it on the couch. “Little Joshie, so pure and innocent.”

 

After rolling his eyes, his best friend giggles. 

 

“You should know you’re hot by now” Tyler continues. 

 

“Thanks, Ty. No homo?” he jokes, and throws a pillow at him.

 

Yes, homo, Tyler wants to reply. Extremely homo, like, I would kiss you right now and tell you I love you and how I’ve been loving you for so much I can’t remember how it felt not loving you, just as how I can’t recall not knowing you. “No homo.” He grips the pillow and tugs it to his chest. He puts up his sweatshirt’s hood and just stays still, hugging the pillow.

 

“You’re so cute.”

 

Tyler can’t help his lips slipping into a smile. “No homo?” he asks mockingly. 

 

And if he engages a pillow war after that, it’s just because he might say something he’d regret if he doesn't keep himself busy.

 

 

**4.**

 

 

“God, I love the music. Hans Zimmer is so good at soundtracks.” Tyler frowns as he watches the ghost scene. He believes it is sending message to Murph, actually, but why her? Wouldn’t it make more sense if it were for Cooper?

 

Josh takes a sit next to him, eating chips. “Interstellar is sick. What a plot twist when you find out the ghost is her dad.”

 

What the fuck. Tyler turns his head to Josh slowly. He stares, open mouthed and incredulous. Is he serious right now?

 

His friend lightly shakes his head. “What?”

 

He stops the movie and sees Cooper’s face freezing on his laptop’s screen. “Are you kidding me?”

 

Josh’s mouth forms a guilty o. Then a hand goes to cover it. “Sorry, dude. Thought you already knew it.”

 

“How was I supposed to know, Josh?”

 

“I recommended you this movie months ago. Thought you had already watched it.”

 

Tyler is still mad. He knows it’s silly, Josh didn’t mean to spoil him, but he’s just so frustrated lately. Even things this silly make him nervous. “I don’t want to watch it anymore.”

 

Joshua grips his arm and shakes it exasperatedly. “Ty, come on. I didn’t know you were two years old.”

 

“You know now.”

 

“Ty.”

 

Tyler closes his MacBook.

 

“Ty.”

 

“What?” 

 

“Do you still love me?”

 

Yes, he thinks. I love you. I’m just mad at you for not loving me back. I’m pathetic. “Yeah, silly.”

 

Joshua takes a chip to Tyler’s lips. “Oh, now _I_ ’m the silly one. I see.”

 

He bites Josh’s fingers before eating it. Josh moans in pain, and then laughs. 

 

“I hope you feel better now, little one” he smiles, and the brightness of his face almost blinds Tyler’s mind. 

 

Heart hammering in his chest, Tyler smiles too, fondly. “I’m taller than you.”

 

“No doubt. But still… You’re just so small.”

 

Before Tyler can stand up and leave, Josh grabs his waist and keeps him down, heaving over him with his weight. He tickles him and kisses his cheek, and Tyler doesn’t really want to leave anymore.

 

 

**5.**

 

 

Last time they were in town, the venue could contain three thousands of people at most, and every single one of them had gone crazy. They’d been dedicated and full of energy and they had screamed and jumped and cheered. 

 

Ten months later, the city is the same, but the venue’s a different one. Thirteen thousands of people are waiting in line just for them now. Some have been spending the previous nights outside in the cold of November. It makes Tyler brave. It makes him want to be at his best.

 

He’s standing on the stage and looking at the enormous, empty space before his eyes. He lifts his ukulele, millions of songs rushing through his head, demanding to be sang. 

 

He hears the most familiar steps he knows approaching, and then Josh is sitting on the floor in front of him. Legs crossed, chin resting on his hand. He looks at Tyler with _love_. 

 

Tyler’s cruel loves to play him. 

 

He gives Josh a weak smile avoiding his eyes and clears is throat. He can’t tell him he loves him that way, so he sings it instead.

 

“When you were here before couldn’t look you in the eyes.”

Josh’s eyes are soothing. Josh’s eyes are sunlight. Josh’s eyes are a mirror to his soul.

 

“You’re just like an angel,” and he really is. “Your skin makes me cry.”

His skin makes Tyler cry because it’s art, makes him cry because of how close and still far away it always feels. It makes him cry when it’s burning hot in the nights in which Josh slips in his bunk to warm his cold bones from the terror of a nightmare, from the jokes of his own tired mind. It makes him cry when it shines under the lights, drops of sweat decorating it, muscles clenching, hands tight on his drumsticks. It makes him cry when Josh’s white smile contrasts the soft, peachy pink of his lips.

 

“You float like a feather in a beautiful world,” he looks at Josh now because he can’t hide anymore. He starts playing so hard and loud his ukulele might fall apart. “I wish I was special,” he sees Josh straighten his back, widen his eyes. His lips are parted. “You’re so fucking special.”

 

Josh stands up. 

 

“But I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo,” Tyler’s fingers are aching. His throat is aching too. His eyes sting. He can’t believe he’s crying. “What the..”

 

Josh takes the ukulele from his hands and leaves it on the floor. 

 

Tyler is still trying to stop crying; he is not shaking, not sobbing. His eyes are just watering endlessly. They carry so many unsaid words and undone things.

 

“Ty, please,” Josh begins. “Look at me.”

 

He does what he’s said. His throat clenches.

 

Josh is crying too.

 

Tyler is crying harder now. “Why’re you crying?”

 

“Because _you_ are crying.” Josh steps closer and hugs him tight. He’s warm. He’s home. “Whatever it is, tonight you you sing it away. You dance over it. If it gets bad, you look at me. I’ll be there for you. I _am_ here for you. You let anything else go.”

 

Tyler holds tighter instead. Josh is there. Tyler will not let go of his love. It would be selfish to. Josh exists and is his best friend, that holds him and cries with him. 

 

Tyler feels terrible for even pretending more. 

 

Josh caresses his head. “Yeah?”

 

I love you. “Yeah.”

 

 

**+1.**

 

 

A few hours later, Tyler is exhausted, but feels so, so light. The show was one of the best they had ever done. He is so proud of twenty one pilots. 

 

After a shower, Tyler slips under the covers of the bed he’s sleeping in that night. He likes hotel nights especially because of beds.

 

He opens his eyes when Josh calls him. He doesn’t remember closing them. “Yeah?”

 

“I have to tell you something.”

 

Tyler gets half up and invites his best friend in bed. “Come here. I’m listening.”

 

Josh blushes while he takes a seat next to him. His breath is arrhythmic as they adjust themselves half sat, backs part on the pillows, part on the headboard. 

 

“Just promise me one thing before I go for it,” he murmurs, looking down. “Be honest.”

 

Tyler nods and takes his hand, interlacing their fingers. They fit so naturally Tyler  thinks they’re almost made to complete each other. “I promise.”

 

Josh takes a deep breath and looks at him in the eyes. His cheeks are flushed and his lower lip is wet and trembling. “Tyler. I love you.”

 

And Tyler stops. Stops everything. “You know I love you too.”

 

Joshua shakes his head, his beautiful features kissed by pain. “I love you, Ty. I love you like you love someone you want to kiss, someone you want to share a bed at night with, someone who is your best friend and more.” Joshua holds his hand tighter, and cups his cheek with his free one. His thumb delicately caresses Tyler’s cheekbone. 

 

Tyler can’t help but lean in the touch. He realizes he was starving for it. He was dying for it. He is living for it. 

 

“I couldn’t spend a day more without you knowing it; what happened before the show made me realize how badly I wanted—I needed you to know. I’m not asking you anything. I’d never mean to ruin us. Just… if my love is of some relief, or comfort to you, let me keep making it grow. Let it sustain you. Let it be a shelter to you. But if it makes you uncomfortable, I swear on our friendship I’m never taking up the subject again.”

 

Tyler is so desperately happy words are not enough to express it properly. He feels his soul stretching towards Josh. 

 

“Josh?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Can you _please_ kiss me?”

 

Their trembling lips meet in the middle, pressing as if they were to merge. 

 

Tyler feels like breathing fresh air after being underwater for too long. 

 

When they part their mouths, their foreheads keep touching. Tyler breathes Josh’s breath as if his life depends on it. 

 

He _almost_ told him so many times…

 

“I love you, Joshie.”

**Author's Note:**

> seriously I'm just a trashcan


End file.
